job searchHHHH< frenzy everyday, i feel soo anxious, and depressed, useless and bemused...I cant seem to break out of the wake up at 2pm Cycle. Last night my dreams involved fleeing from corrupt political officials... I think George Bush Sr. was in my dreams, we hid out in a hotel, and glanced past the Venetian Blinds to see when they would come. I forgot what the circumstances were.
Last night I had to leave the house. What the fuck is a target job title on Monster.com?? I never thought I would endlessly spend time on career building websites... I cleaned my room, firmly, washed the wooden floors, they will never shine the apartment is far to old for that. No a/c I sweat my balls of. I sat on the beach and watched the moon, nice breeze, midnight swimmers and kids on the lifeguard chairs. The water only existed beneath the moon, where it shown tinted white and rippling. I brought my Illuminated Ginsberg, I had originally purchased it as a gift but decided to keep it for myself. I read " An Eastern Ballad"
I dream of love that comes to mind, the moon is faithful although blind, she moves in thought, she cannot speak perfect care has made her bleak.I never dreamed the sea so deep, the earth so dark, so long my sleep. I have become another child, I wake to see the world go wild."
How lucky I am, I thought. that I can observe the moon and sea on one night. Czech Republic was landlocked, for infinite kilometers, some see the moon and not the sea. But seeing both is definitely a privilege that only certain inhabitants of the earth can attest to having. You can see the tidal connection, indirectly sense the relationship of the moon to the waves.
Everything was black, the sky, the sea. An aperture in the sky, was the round moon. And the aperture of white in the sea was the white foam from the crashed waves. 6 mississippi counts between the waves. Now I feel like the moon, im blind i cannot form comprehensive sentences, I cannot speak, I exist in my thoughtatataxia mindmedley. I was spoiled living in Europe, free thought, art ,movement, esthetic beauty in everyday places and emotions. Now im bleak, disillusioned, I never would have thought readjusting would be like this... A part of me has already readjusted but a part of me doesnt want to, for it would be regressing. I have to make NY work for me, where else do I have to go and with what funds? Exactly! Soo the job search continues, I need to enroll in a Masters prog. in the fall hopefully before Im completely detached from academia...
For now I feel like the Unknown Citizen, a squalid state, one from which we can all escape, better never to visit to begin with.
THE UNKNOWN CITIZEN
(To JS/07/M/378 This Marble Monument Is Erected by the State)
He was found by the Bureau of Statistics to be
One against whom there was no official complaint,
And all the reports on his conduct agree
That, in the modern sense of an old-fashioned word, he was a saint,
For in everything he did he served the Greater Community.
Except for the War till the day he retired
He worked in a factory and never got fired,
But satisfied his employers, Fudge Motors Inc.
Yet he wasn't a scab or odd in his views,
For his Union reports that he paid his dues,
(Our report on his Union shows it was sound)
And our Social Psychology workers found
That he was popular with his mates and liked a drink.
The Press are convinced that he bought a paper every day
And that his reactions to advertisements were normal in every way.
Policies taken out in his name prove that he was fully insured,
And his Health-card shows he was once in hospital but left it cured.
Both Producers Research and High-Grade Living declare
He was fully sensible to the advantages of the Installment Plan
And had everything necessary to the Modern Man,
A phonograph, a radio, a car and a frigidaire.
Our researchers into Public Opinion are content
That he held the proper opinions for he time of year;
When there was peace, he was for peace; when there was war, he went.
He was married and added five children to the population,
Which our Eugenist says was the right number for a parent of his generation.
And our teachers report that he never interfered with their education.
Was he free? Was he happy? The question is absurd:
Had anything been wrong, we should certainly have heard.
-- W. H. Auden
the "odd in" pun is a a self reference that Auden made to himself to mask and mock society's persecution his gay lifestyle.
-------------------------
FITTER HAPPIER
a few decades later no change :
Fitter, happier, more productive,
comfortable,
not drinking too much,
regular exercise at the gym
(3 days a week),
getting on better with your associate employee contemporaries ,
at ease,
eating well
(no more microwave dinners and saturated fats),
a patient better driver,
a safer car
(baby smiling in back seat),
sleeping well
(no bad dreams),
no paranoia,
careful to all animals
(never washing spiders down the plughole),
keep in contact with old friends
(enjoy a drink now and then),
will frequently check credit at
(moral) bank (hole in the wall),
favors for favors,
fond but not in love,
charity standing orders,
on Sundays ring road supermarket
(no killing moths or putting boiling water on the ants),
car wash
(also on Sundays),
no longer afraid of the dark or midday shadows
nothing so ridiculously teenage and desperate,
nothing so childish - at a better pace,
slower and more calculated,
no chance of escape,
now self-employed,
concerned (but powerless),
an empowered and informed member of society
(pragmatism not idealism),
will not cry in public,
less chance of illness,
tires that grip in the wet
(shot of baby strapped in back seat),
a good memory,
still cries at a good film,
still kisses with saliva,
no longer empty and frantic
like a cat
tied to a stick,
that's driven into
frozen winter shit
(the ability to laugh at weakness),
calm,
fitter,
healthier and more productive
a pig
in a cage
on antibiotics.
